You think that your kid has had meltdowns and they suck (the tantrum, not the kid) and nothing is worse. You think that you’ve seen it all after getting through two kids through toddlerhood. Then it happens and you realize how very wrong you were. Nothing, nothing compared to the temper tantrum that my child, Loudy had today.
Look, I understand that many children have Spectrum disorders or ODD or ADHD or are sensitive and extra emotional…but my kids are NOT part of that crowd. Both of my girls haven’t ever really had public displays of rage and anger, like ever. I mean sure, occasionally, when they were little, they would get angry or even cry or refuse to move. I even remember thinking during these times that these “tantrums” were just part of growing up and that they would eventually get over them…and they did for the most part.
Today my kid is four and a half years old and up until now, I thought that we were past the meltdowns of Bikini Atoll magnitude. I. Was. Wrong.
First I let my kid pick out a small toy. Then we went to go pay for groceries and the toy. I spent more on groceries that I was intending and apologized to her that I didn’t have enough. She was LIVID. I mean I’ve told her, no, plenty of times and she’d get pissed but roll with the punches. So then Mount Loudy decides to erupt in screams and rolling on the ground and waving her little fists around like a tornado of fury. I apologize to the guy, the SAME time he tells me, “I’m sorry, your card was declined.”
Now I am mortified that my card isn’t working and embarrassed that I can’t calm my kid who is now in my arms, flailing like I’m drowning her. I apologize and tell him that a tantrum like this has never happened before and that I can call my bank and go to a different cashier, but he smiled nicely and said it was fine. So I bend down to sit on the floor with screaming, now snotting, extremely angry Loudy and she proceeds to BITE me in the shoulder. It takes everything in me to not throw her on the ground from the shock and pain. I just hug her tighter and reassure her that I know that she’s upset and that I love her and that I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out today. It. Doesn’t. Help.
I grab my other card and pay for my stuff instead of calling the bank. I grab my stuff and practically run out while she is in my arms, kicking and flailing and swinging her fists about, oh yeah, and still screaming. I can’t even look at anyone in the eye and am pissed at myself for not getting a handle on the situation in time. I know I see disapproving glances and judging childless people stares, but I just poker face it and flee.
Then we get to the car and I plop her in her seat. She is still kicking and screaming and refusing to sit in her seat. I try to belt her in and think about how I wish she was still in a five point harness. She takes it off over and over again and I am panicked while some lady parked next to us gives me an evil stare because she wants to get out of her car. I also have some person waiting for me to leave so they can park (Believe me, I felt bad, but they could kiss my ass if they thought I was going to move any faster). I tell her sister to make sure she doesn’t undo her belt and I get into the driver seat, just in time to see her arms whip around and wack her sister in the head and the seat belt goes flying. I groan and go back to the demon spawn like miniature human and take her out.
My groceries are melting and I am worried that the food will go bad and I won’t have food to feed us. The woman next to us finally got out and mean mugged me the whole time (cunt bucket). The person who was waiting must have given up and left (Thank Odin). I sat on the curb, pretty defeated, with my kid in my arms, still screaming and lightly pommeling my back with her hands. I whisper to her that we COULD go back and get the toy, but that I’d have to take the groceries back. I KNOW it was awful but I just didn’t know what to say and I was flustered and embarrassed.
She stopped instantly and said she was sorry. I put her in her seat and buckled her in, but she wouldn’t let me go and kept hugging me and sobbing. I know it was because she was sorry and also sad for behaving that way. I know it was her way of telling me that it was ok, but I already felt bad.
I know what I did was wrong in guilting her and I know that no self respecting mom would have bought her kid anything with that behavior, but I still feel bad. I feel like I am the worst mom alive. I am an embarrassment to all moms everywhere- at least today and right now. My kid bit me and hit me with her little fists. I am embarrassed that I allowed that to happen. I am embarrassed that I couldn’t calm my kid and that she was the one making a scene today and I couldn’t stop it. I’m embarrassed by how I reacted and guilted a four year old. I am equally embarrassed that I didn’t have enough money in the first place, but that’s a whole other story. I just feel the failure today. Hangs head in shame…I have to look at her first day to remind myself how I have to be her calm when she can’t do it for herself. I am telling it like it is no matter how embarrassing to me because I know we all have those days.